Read the Band 9 model and note the vocabulary and grammar. Study closely!
Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?
Model Essay
Topic sentences are in bold.
Explanations and details are in red.
Examples are in blue.
Introduction:
Health problems including heart disease, obesity, and diabetes are becoming more widespread in developed countries.
There are several reasons contributing to this problem, as well as potentially drastic long-term effects.
(30 words)
Paragraph 1:
Lifestyle choices are important and major causes of poor health in developed countries.
These days, it is perhaps easier and cheaper to follow an unhealthy diet.
For example, the recent boom in fast-food restaurants and chains has enticed people to eat at these establishments rather than cooking healthy meals at home.
Stress is another factor that has contributed to poor health.
The fast-paced corporate culture and competitive work atmosphere make for a difficult work–life balance, resulting in little to no time for eating healthy or taking care of oneself.
(90 words)
Paragraph 2:
These lifestyle choices will have drastic long-term effects.
If people continue these unhealthy habits, the consequences may persist for generations.
For instance, parents who have diabetes or are prone to obesity have a higher chance of passing these conditions on to their children, and so on.
Consequently, these health problems could result in a higher cost of living.
Due to increased demand for services, it is natural that the healthcare industry would charge higher prices, resulting in higher overall costs.
(89 words)
Conclusion:
Poor lifestyle choices—ranging from unhealthy diets to higher stress—have certainly contributed to the decrease in health standards. If not properly addressed, these problems could cause harmful long-term effects for future generations in terms of disease and a higher cost of living.
(45 words)
Total Word Count: 254 words